Ulterior Motives

Yesterday marked 15 months since Broom Curls ended our relationship for the last time. Since then, I've lost faith in God, but still want Curls. Thing is, they come in a package, if at all. Curls has an unshakable testimony of the Church's divine purpose. I'm pretty sure I'd do anything to get her back, which means I can imagine believing in God for her. But does that really work?

Curls aside, I'm perfectly comfortable (and possibly happier) without God and all those loose ends that trip me up. But I also have no purpose in life, and no passion for it. With Curls, I (usually) had both. It seems sort of a Catch-22, at least if I was planning on ever having any sense of fulfillment.

So there's this possibility of finding God and then finding Curls I think I have about as much chance of that as I do of making a hole-in-one on a par 5 golf course (I can't play worth crap), but it seems to be the only way I can be happy. Or I could wander the world, godless and desultory, and hope to run into someone for whom I feel half so much love as I did for Curls, eternally wondering if I could have been happier.

I don't expect anyone to have a real answer for any of the above. But perhaps someone does have an answer for this: How do I find God when any attempt would be entirely spurred on by a longing for Curls? I can't pretend to care otherwise. For all you theists out there, how do I develop a genuine interest in finding God?

Also, I promised my Home Teachers (members of my congregation assigned to check in on my physical and spiritual well-being) to read the scriptures and pray. Reading the scriptures has been no problem. I'm working on the NIV translation of John, as suggested by my friend Soren. But all of my heartfelt prayers in the past few months have been along the lines of "Dear God, I hate You. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen." Somehow, I don't think that's what they were aiming for. What do I say to a God I feel is a mass delusion? What do I say to a God that, were He to exist, I would blame for the rape, murder, molestation, torture, brainwashing, enslavement, beating, and/or starving to death of hundreds of thousands of children every day? I can't think of anything but "Heavenly Father, how could you? Amen."